So here I was just enjoying my Tuesday morning and I get an email from a tech company/blog talking about what you would do if you got a check for 4 billion dollars, a blank check some might say. So I thought to myself, well obviously I would by a sports team. You know because I’m a sports guy. I fancy the ole pigskin, the slam dunk So I said what would I do if I was ever to buy a team. I’ve always said being in control of a sports team is one of the easiest things to do. I just don’t understand how many sports teams continue to fail at being good, I mean it can’t be that hard, right. So let me prove how easy it is to run a team and make it a successful franchise.
So in this fictional scenario, I’m just doing my normal activities. Walking down the street saying “What up? I got a big cock!” You know the normal things us humans do, and as I cross the street to go to my favorite deli to get some gabagool and prosciutto, BAM! I get ran over by the one and only Jeff Bezos or his limo driver because there is no chance someone that rich has driven a car in the last 15 years. So now I have a broken leg, foot, the whole shabang. A week later Mr. Bezos himself comes to my hospital and as the generous man that he is, he says “SmallDog I want you to have this” and hands me a check worth $7,700,000,000.
That’s a lot of cheddar. All Jeff tells me to do is keep hush hush about everything and the money is all mine. I gladly accept it and I will never speak an ill word of Mr. Bezos from now on. So now that I have 3.9% of Jeff Bezos net worth, the first thing I should do is buy a professional sports team, right. That’s obviously the smart thing to do, not donate it to charities and and help people socially. No I need to buy a sports team, the only question is, which team?
The Team
7 billion should be enough money to buy any team I want, so now it’s my choice to pick that team. I also want to keep this fantasy as realistic as possible so teams like the Knicks, Yankees, Dodgers, Giants, Steelers, and Patriots are not teams I would be able to buy. I also want to note that hockey and soccer are not going to be sports I’m looking at. Hockey makes very little profit compared to the rest and soccer is just boring. But who knows, maybe I’ll by NYCFC and get Messi to the MLS. But for now I’ll be putting most of my focus on the MLB, NBA, and NFL, and the three teams that I am interested in buying would be the Rays, Grizzlies, and Washington football team.
First, with the Tampa Bay Rays, I think the Rays should be one of the easiest teams in baseball to be successful. They have great talent on the field, their front office is amazing, they just need help in the ownership side. If they Rays put an extra $50 million dollars to their payroll, they could be one of the best teams in baseball. Not to mention that the Rays are only worth $1.05 billion. That is very cheap and will give me a lot of money left to spend on other projects. The problem with the Rays is they play in a shitty stadium and get very little fan support. Florida does not like their baseball teams so it would be hard to make a profit with them. There is a reason why they are the 3rd least valuable team in sports so the Rays are out. In order for me to make that value go up is to probably move that team and I don’t see any great spots to move a baseball team to. Maybe Vancouver or Montreal would be good places, but right now I am not interested in moving a team.
The Washington Football team is a very interesting team because with minority owners wanting Dan Snyder out, I would be able to come in with a nice sum of cash and get that team. In 2019 they were worth $3.9 billion, and with everything going on in that franchise, you would have to think that price would go down, so I might be able to low-ball Snyder. I could probably get them at $4 billion if we are being honest. So with Washington going through all their changes, it would be an interesting team to own. You get to rename the team, I’m a big fan of their new president, Jason Wright. This team has a lot of promise, but it’s going to be a no from me dawg. Just like the Rays, The Washington Football team plays in a shitty stadium. I don’t think it’s worth making a new stadium just because I don’t want my players tearing their ACL every season. Spending more of my money because Snyder went cheap. Also, the NFL is such a shitty organization, from the owners to Goodell, I would have no fun dealing with those assholes all the time.
Which finally leads me to the Grizzlies. The Grizzlies are only worth $1.3 billion, the least valued team in the NBA. This would be an absolute steal in my mind. The NBA has not only the potential to be the most popular league in America, but it has the chance to lead the world. So I can only see this team becoming a huge profit for me. So what would I do when I buy this team, well that’s for part two. For now, I’ll leave it at being the new owner of the Memphis Grizzlies.
PS: I also thought that the Jets could be a good team to buy and be the less annoying Gary Vee, but there is no way I would want to support that franchise. Especially when they play in the same stadium as the Giants.
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